Child loss is still a taboo subject.

I realised this recently whilst talking to an elderly gentleman, who told me he had lost his wife 30 years ago. I didn’t question his need to share his loss, it felt normal. He just needed to chat. I listened and asked him to tell me about his wife. I didn’t tell him about my daughter, Mary-Lou.

I later reflected on why I had not shared my story.  In the early months after Mary-Lou died, I couldn’t have a conversation without telling my story. I remember telling two fellow dog walkers in a wet and windy park. This bizarre conversation led them to tell me that they had also lost a child.

Since those early days, I have made more conscious decisions. Do I, or do I not tell people?

I grew up with child loss. In 1973, my brother, Ian, was stillborn. My grieving parents were not well provided for by the NHS. Hopefully, things are better now. Mum and Dad eventually received (and gave) support via SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society).  We had rarely spoken about Ian until I experienced a miscarriage while on holiday in Florida in 1996. I’m not sure I ever grieved that loss. I did carry the guilt for many years, despite professional reassurance that air travel could not harm a healthy pregnancy. On a more positive note, my miscarriage opened long overdue conversations with my parents about child loss.

I thankfully went on to have two successful pregnancies and lived a ‘normal’ life until Mary-Lou died unexpectedly at 22 years old. Lou’s death was (and is) devastating. I had some unusual experiences around this time; the most prophetic being that I found a deck of Tarot cards next to Lou’s bed. Eighteen months later, I became a successful professional Tarot reader. More recently, I have trained as a sound healer and now run wonderful, relaxing soundbaths. I love using my newfound skills to help others. You can find out more here: www.juliebilboecoaching.com/sound-healing and on Facebook ‘Mary’s Transformation Tarot Coaching & Sound Healing’.

I also committed to setting up a not-for-profit in Lou’s name. Last year www.marys-place.co.uk was established. At Mary’s Place, we support newly qualified nurses as they transition from student to professional. We offer well-being days and coaching. Our fundraising event in March 2024 raised a phenomenal £6,500!

I’m aware that all this is distraction therapy. But I’m ‘OK’ with that…The point of this article is to show that surviving whilst grieving is possible. If you feel I can help YOU in some way, let me know. I don’t have all the answers, but I’m very happy to chat and I can definitely signpost you to helpful resources.